I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
