I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
