Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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