New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
