I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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