i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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