Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
