I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
