i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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