his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
