I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize