i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
