He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
