I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
