Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
