I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
