Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
