Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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