nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
