Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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