How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
