I will die if light touches me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
