Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
