he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
