i think my tv is drunk
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
A+ Viking dick
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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