can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
