I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
