shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
