and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
