btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize