Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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