Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
