Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
