We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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