Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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