Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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