haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
