I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize