I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
