Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
