toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have aggressive nipples.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
