I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
