I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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