I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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