this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
