WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
