he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
