Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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