I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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