he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
