cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
