I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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