if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Vodka?
Forever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
