I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
