theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize