I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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