this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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