If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The air was thick with penises
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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