I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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