He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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