I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
