So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
