Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
