it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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