My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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