8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He better not be in your backpack
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
