Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
