her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
