i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
