The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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