Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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